This week, we’re delighted to announce that the Pixie Mafia, fearsome South Georgia crime and corruption syndicate, has granted us an exclusive interview. With us today is Bobby “Bo Weevil” Cheetle, pictured to right, Pixie Mafia press secretary and part-time human trampoline.
Leech City: Bobby, thanks for granting us this interview.
Bobby Cheetle: You’re welcome, I’m happy to be here. Are these doughnuts free?
Leech City: Sure, help yourself. Let’s dive right in. For generations, the Pixie Mafia has been criticized for being insufficiently diverse. Can you address that?
Bobby Cheetle: That’s a nasty rumor that is blatantly untrue. We’ll steal from anyone.
Leech City: Fair enough. Let’s talk about the name. How did the name Pixie Mafia come about?
Bobby Cheetle: Well, we’ve struggled with branding for a while. We finally realized that everyone dreads the idea of fairies sneaking onto their property and flitting away with their things. Very intimidating stuff, very scary.
Leech City: What about Pinetree Mafia? You guys trial-ballooned that for a while, right?
Bobby Cheetle: Yeah, we toyed around with the name Pinetree Mafia, but that just made us seem like we were standing around waiting to be harvested by the feds. That RICO thing is a real chainsaw. There is no question that Pixie Mafia fits our image better.
Leech City: Tell us a little about how the process works. Take us inside the machine.
Bobby Cheetle: It’s all pretty complex, I’m not sure your readers would understand.
Leech City: We’ll try to keep up.
Bobby Cheetle: OK, some of our people steal stuff, some more people sell it to other people and then we have parties with the money at the lake house. Oh, and some of our people are government officials who look the other way while all this is going on. They show up for the parties too. It is basically a who’s who list. Very posh.
Leech City: Wow, that is complex. How do you manage all that?
Bobby Cheetle: It took a while to work out. We ran through a lot of dry-erase markers. Those we had to buy at Walmart, we had those things on our “shopping list” for a while but our “shoppers” kept sniffing them all.
Leech City: Narcotics?
Bobby Cheetle: Sure, what you got?
Leech City: No, I mean are you guys into narcotics?
Bobby Cheetle: (laughs) Does a bear pope in the woods? I’m high about six different ways right now.
Leech City: Let me rephrase that. Does the Pixie Mafia get involved in drug trafficking?
Bobby Cheetle: Well, sure. People would just laugh at us if we didn’t. Plus it fits the whole “fairy dust” thing. We take our branding seriously.
Leech City: What about the rumors that you guys are also into arson?
Bobby Cheetle: I hate to admit it, but that one was an accident.
Leech City: How so?
Bobby Cheetle: Well, one day Papa Smurf Collins was cooking up a batch of meth and the …
Leech City: Excuse, me, “Papa Smurf”?
Bobby Cheetle: Yeah, I told you about the dry-erase, right? He smokes them like cigars. Especially the blue ones, they’re smoother. Cuban dry erase isn’t bad, either.
Leech City: I’m sorry, please continue.
Bobby Cheetle: Well, like I was saying, Papa Smurf was cooking a batch in one of our stash houses …
Leech City: Stash houses?
Bobby Cheetle: Yeah. Ever notice all those abandoned buildings all over the county? We cook meth in ’em, stash the goods when we clean out some place, run whores, give the teams somewhere to crash, they’re really essential to the whole business model.
Leech City: Yes we’ve seen them. There does seem to be a lot of those around.
Bobby Cheetle: No kidding. We used to just try to run people off and then our buddies could buy their property up cheap. When the feds started seizing that kind of thing under RICO, it turned out to be more profitable to just let those places rot and use them anyway. Saves on property taxes, too. Plus if the place is in a city our government friends can assess nuisance fees on it and pocket the cash. Great way to get some payoff with no money trail.
Leech City: OK, so Papa Smurf was cooking up some meth, and …
Bobby Cheetle: Right. So, his cigar melts and catches the whole place on fire. Who would think those things could burn so fast? This fire burns the whole place down, plus about ten thousand dollars worth of furniture that we had just stolen, including some primo stuff we were saving for the lake house. We did manage to salvage our extensive gay porn collection, though.
Leech City: How does that get into arson?
Bobby Cheetle: Well, so the insurance company comes around, pokes around a little bit, and then writes the owner a check for the house and, get this, all our stolen property that was in it. Called it household goods. I mean, that just isn’t right, we stole it fair and square and that sum-bitch in Florida gets paid. Anyway, we got to thinking. Why not load up some place that we own with stolen crap, call it a warehouse, burn it all down and then put in an insurance claim ourselves? We call this “Selling It Back To The Yankees”. If we steal some of that stuff from our friends, cut them in for a percentage of the fire insurance, plus what they got from their own insurance claim for the theft to begin with, everyone wins.
Leech City: I think that’s been done before. It’s called insurance fraud.
Bobby Cheetle: Well, sure. But we’re the ones that came up with stealing from each other. Plus it’s safer that way; stealing from people who aren’t in on it is too risky. Some of them might start poking around and blow the lid on the whole thing. We’ll still do it, of course, we’re not turning away business. Times are tough.
Leech City: Glad you mentioned business. How do you address your critics who say that all this crime and corruption makes businesses not want to be in the area, ultimately leading to more poverty and despair for everyone?
Bobby Cheetle: It’s simple economics. If businesses aren’t going to locate here, then we are damned sure going to steal from those that do. If we didn’t, then our people would be out of work. I’m not going to apologize for creating jobs. That would just be un-American.
Leech City: What about your critics who claim that insurance fraud and even legitimate insurance claims on theft and arson makes insurance rates go up for everyone in the area?
Bobby Cheetle: We in the Pixie Mafia like to think of ourselves as our own little government. If you look at it that way, then these higher insurance rates are really like a tax that funds our operations. High insurance rates just means that our own private little government is doing its job. You aren’t against the government, are you?
Leech City: Moving on, what about the prisons?
Bobby Cheetle: We try to avoid them. What part of this don’t you understand?
Leech City: No, I mean do you get involved with the prison gangs and contraband trade?
Bobby Cheetle: Oh, sure. We’ve got the whole cell phone contraband trade wrapped up, for one example.
Leech City: Cell phone contraband?
Bobby Cheetle: Yeah. Most people don’t realize it, but, in prison, cell phones are more valuable than drugs. Drugs they can get from the guards, usually when they get high and pass out and don’t notice that someone swiped their stash. Cell phones are another matter. We have people up in Statesboro who steal them from college kids, then we wrap the phones up in electrical tape and hide them under bushes along the highways. Later, prison work crews come out and pick them up.
Leech City: Yes, we’ve noticed the bush thing.
Bobby Cheetle: Yeah, you guys took a bite out of our logistics when you took over that old school complex and barricaded the place. And all them damned cameras and lights…
Leech City: You mentioned electrical tape?
Bobby Cheetle: Yeah, so they can shove the phones up their, uh …
Leech City: Got it. You mean to get past the guards when the work crews come back to the prison?
Bobby Cheetle: No, nobody checks. No, at first it was mostly just for the ringtones. I said these damned things were popular. YouTube and dubstep made the whole business model shoot off like a rocket, as a manner of speaking. Adele was good for business, too. The really hardcore types go for tablets, though. Matter of fact, I’ve got a tablet looping Skrillex and Daft Punk right now …
Leech City: Well, that just about wraps it up. Thanks again, Bobby, for granting this interview and this exciting look inside the Pixie Mafia. You get the last word.
Bobby Cheetle: Hold on, changing tracks…. No problem, you’re welcome, see you soon. You gonna finish that doughnut?